I read recently that imposing the death penalty in the United States is more expensive than sentencing a criminal to life without parole. Without more information, this seems ludicrous. So here’s the catch: the appeals process that inevitably drags on for decades after a death sentence has become prohibitively expensive to local governments.

Quick solution: kill all lawyers.

Other more namby-pamby solutions include sentencing fewer people to death, or even abolishing the death penalty all together. Avoiding the problem will not make it go away, people. The Human thirst for justice and revenge aside, what’s wrong with a little judicious weeding of the Human garden? Not transplanting the crabgrass to somebody else’s lawn, but eradicating the weeds entirely. If people are measuring the expense of the death penalty against the expense of free room and board for lifers, they’re simply avoiding the issue. Cut your losses and move on.

Humans have always thumped their proud chests that they live by a fair “majority rules” doctrine, but we all know that’s a farce. Actually, we don’t all know that; many Americans will swear that their country is a Democracy, while in fact it’s a Republic. If they’re too stupid to know the difference, they deserve whatever the minority rulers dish out to them. Meanwhile Socialists are often called Communists, while Communism is often called an extreme form of Democracy. I believe that most people support and practice Whateverism, as long as they get a square meal the next day.

All these political ideologies agree on certain basics. Among these is to punish the guilty. The definition of guilt may vary from one place or time to another, but basically if you break the rules, you pay. If the rules change later, well, oops. Most countries today are memorializing the very same military deserters who were executed during World War One (not the U.S., mind you, since we didn’t shoot a single deserter). At the time it seemed like a good idea to kill them. It probably was.

Animal rights activists and zealous vegetarians wouldn’t think twice about squishing a maggot under their non-leather heels, but on a global scale Humans are the maggots. We multiply out of control and devour this planet with no sense of responsibility. I’ll meet you half way and suggest that we squish only the most irreversibly maggotty Humans. It’s a start.

We’re heading that way already, so don’t get all high and mighty on me. Add it up… Guilt is becoming indisputable in light of modern forensics, so erroneous verdicts are less likely. It’s considered cruel to keep animals in cages, and we should think that includes caged Humans. Our planet’s population has exceeded its ability to feed itself. There are more criminals than cops. Euthanasia is more accepted than ever. Something’s gotta give, and you can’t please everybody.

In the end, we’ll let our Whateveristic governments take their harsh steps to solve our problems without our permission (and without the guilt we’d pretend to feel if we actually gave them permission) and grudgingly grant them forgiveness.

Jim Lawter

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