Dear Vin Scelsa,

Me and Razoo Kelley’s wondering what exactly this Mark Antony means when he says “Friends, Romans, countrymen…” Okay, “Friends” we get. And probably “countrymen” means like any neighbor what ain’t quite as close as a friend. But “Romans” got us stumped. Does he mean Italians? Does he mean Italians ain’t his friends? Does he mean there ain’t any Italians in his neighborhood? With a name like Antony, you figure he knows a few Italians, right? And then this Tony asks to borrow their rears. Razoo says don’t even go there! Then Tony goes on to say he’s burying Caesar, but he’s really burying Brutus what with all the bad things he says bout him. Okay sure, it turns out Brutus killed Caesar, but what’s done in is done. Give it a rest in peace. But Brutus really gotta stop harassing Olive Oyl, or Tony’ll be talking at Brutus’s funeral next. No, Vin, I don’t want this Mark or Tony or whatever his real name is to talk at my funeral. First he’ll get all my Italian gumbas riled up, then he’ll accuse my neighbors of not being my friends, and then he’ll try to bum stuff off all of them. Grazie, but non grazie, if you dig my linguine. Or maybe he meant Romanians. Me, I wanna hire a celebrity to talk at my funeral. Not that Joaquin Phoenix guy and his weird beard act. Do you know anybody, Vin? They could use my insurance money or life savings to hire like Johnny Depp or William Shatner, and Razoo could sell tickets and cupcakes to get the cash back. Meanwhile I’ll get news coverage or at least a bump in Twitter Tweets, and my snarly blog boss’ll probably milk it with a YouTube video.

Cyber Immortality Forever,

me and Razoo Kelley

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