It’s certainly not easy being green, because you’ll have to give up coffee. Carbon footprint, my friends. Burning gasoline and jet fuel by the megaton is spewing toxins into our limited air supply just so you can have that hot cuppa joe. No worries, though; Sarah Palin says that global warming is a myth.

Most coffee comes from Brazil. Runners-up Vietnam, Columbia, Indonesia, Ethiopia, and India combined match Brazil’s production. The next 30 coffee producing countries combined don’t even come close to matching Brazil. Where does U.S. coffee production rank on this list? Waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy down there. Almost a footnote, in fact. The U.S. does not produce even four ten-thousandths of one percent (< 0.0004%) of the world’s coffee.

Unless you live in Hawaii and drink nothing but pure Kona, you are subsidizing global warming. If you don’t count the roasting process, that is.

So let’s not think about it. Really, I mean it. Global warming is a total bummer. We’re supposed to give up hamburgers because cow farts cause global warming. We’re supposed to stop wearing clothes because importing from the sweatshops of the world causes global warming. We’re supposed to give up electricity, cars, airplanes, buildings (!), rice, wood, paper, ice - are they serious?

When will we all die from global warming, anyway? I hear estimates ranging from 90 years to hundreds of years. I’ll be dead either way long before that, so why should I give up coffee? We may even postpone the demise of our distant generations for a few thousand years if we all go native right now and abolish civilization as we know it. But let’s get real.

So I’m getting in my car right now and driving two blocks to Starbuck’s, where I’ll leave my car idling while I order my Triple-shot Grande Mocha Java. I may even fart on the way home. Take that, Earth!

Jim Lawter

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