First of all, I have six cats. They’re all in great health and have plenty of toys and each their own bed and they go out every day and sleep in at night. Deal with it or not.

I married into the oldest three – all tabbies, all old. My wife suggested we get a fourth cat that would be “ours.” Cool idea, but we just had to break the tabby theme. Mugsie is a brilliant calico Shorthair. She was the runt of her litter and has blossomed into a bruiser. Underneath her usual swagger she’s a scaredy cat, which means she’ll live a long, safe life.

Polly came along a year later. Another variation on the feline theme, she’s a polydactyl Manx (with thumbs, without tail) with both tortoise shell and tabby markings. Polly has the sweetest demeanor and a sumo wrestler’s body.

This year’s model is Sheba, a Bengal. A crazy cat by any standard. She chirps while she climbs the walls, she sings in the litter box, and she rips open the underside of chairs and uses them as hammocks. As smart as Mugsie is, Sheba is scary smart. She mimicks me, and at times even mocks me. When she learns how to spell, I’ll have her write blogs for me.

Next I want one of those naked cats. Sphynx cats, they’re called. It’s a relatively new breed that originated out of Canada in 1966. They’re supposed to be the smartest of them all.

My very patient wife has allowed – even invited – all these new-fangled cats into the fold, but she draws the line at naked cats. I can’t understand why. They don’t cough up hair balls. They don’t cause allergic reactions. They learn tricks very fast (I want to teach mine card tricks). But she says they look like an alien fetus.

Yeah, so?

I mean, people have rabbits, ferrets, squirrels, and all other types of rodentia. Rodents are what they invented traps and poison for. A cute little naked cat is much better than a rat-like thing.

Some people have anteaters, but they always look like they’re giving you the finger. People have hedgehogs, although I don’t know why. And yes, people have dogs; how boring. I just want an innocent little naked cat to fetch my slippers for me in the morning. And read me the newspaper.

Or maybe one of those new glow-in-the-dark cats. Yeah…

Jim Lawter

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