Man finds pig in field, puts it in his car. Cop pulls him over, tells him to take pig to the zoo.

Later, cop pulls over same man and pig, asks why he didn’t take it to the zoo. Man says, “I did. Now we’re going to a ball game.”

******************

Man accidentally bumps lady at hotel, says “If your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”

Lady says, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, here’s my room key.”

******************

On honeymoon, groom tells bride to put on his pants. She says they’re too big. He says “Right, I’m the one who wears the pants.”

Bride tells husband to put on her panties. He says he can’t get into them. She says he never will until he changes his attitude.

******************

Airline pilot announces, “One of our three engines is out, we’ll be 30 minutes late.”

Later, he announces, “Two of our three engines are out, we’ll be 60 minutes late.”

Passenger says, “If one more engine goes out, we’ll be up here all day.”

******************

Near Christmas, woman invites mailman in, gives him breakfast, takes him to bed, then gives him a dollar as he’s leaving.

Confused mailman asks why. Woman says, “I asked my husband what to give you for Christmas. He said ‘Screw him, give him a dollar.’ Breakfast was my idea.”

*****************

Judge asks man what he was thinking when he was caught making love to a cow. Man says, “A younger, hotter cow.”

*****************

Woman tells husband the druggist insulted her. Husband goes to beat up druggist, who explains, “I got up late, my car broke down, my customers were angry, I bumped my head, finally answered the damn phone. It was your wife asking how to use a rectal thermometer. I told her!”

*****************

Woman asks what shiny object is. Storekeeper says, “A Thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

She buys it and takes it to work. Her boss asks what’s in the Thermos. She answers, “Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle.”

*****************

Bar patron has conversation into his hand. Bartender queries, and patron explains he has a telephone implanted there.

Later, the patron is in the bathroom so long that the bartender checks on him, finding him with a toilet paper roll up his butt. Patron explains, “I’m waiting for a fax.”

*****************

Guy and date are at it in the back seat, when date stops and says, “I forgot to mention I’m a hooker and this will cost you $20.”

He pays, but afterward says, “I forgot to mention I’m a cab driver and getting home will cost you $25.”

*****************

edited for brevity by Jim Lawter

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