Proses are read
Violence is true
Poems are bread
So what’s eating you?

Catchy, eh? And deep. I just wrote it. I’m a natural poet – and I know it! I just noticed an ad on CraigsList for a national poetry contest. No entry fee, big prizes awarded. How can I lose?

So let’s see how this goes. I answer the ad for further information. They email me an answer from a Hotmail.com address, so they sound real legit. All I need to do is email my contact information and one or more of my original poems. I don’t even need to put it in an attached document; I can type the poem right into the email. How bohemian!

What’s this? They email back, not just confirming receipt of my poem, but praising it! In fact, it will be published in their limited edition annual hardcover of the year’s best entries, congratulations! By the way, if I want a copy of this limited-run tome, I can reserve one by sending only $39.95 today.

A published poet. Who woulda thunk it?

By the way, there’s still room in this year’s volume for a few more author’s biographies, but it’s going to press tomorrow morning. Just send – in no more than 100 of my own words – my personal biography.

Oh, and a $20 typesetting fee. It’s all for the literary cause. Not to mention literary immortality.

Confidentially, shelleykeats14-at-hotmail-dot-com assures me that my literary gem is already on the short list to win the $5,000 grand prize (or at least one of the five $1,000.00 second prizes), congratulations and can they have my autograph when they finally get to meet me? I will be attending the awards ceremony in New York City, right? (If not, they have a special hotel-plus-Broadway-show-package-for-two for only $399.95 if I order today.) The limousine from the Plaza Hotel to the awards ceremony is free!

This is fantastic! Debuting as a national poetry winner in New York City itself, and my winning check will far more than cover the mere $459.90 it’ll take to fully enjoy the experience.

So let’s review: No rules, no entry fees, no sponsors, no previous winners, no identifiable judges, no venue, no website, no phone number… just an email address and a fervent affection for Western Union, every scammers favorite “bank.” Go for it!

The roses are dead
The violets, too
They’ve taken your bread
And you don’t have a clue

Scrud Kelley

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