Yes, it’s just about that time again when the governments of the world pretend to put aside their differences in an insincere show of sportsmanship and camaraderie. Here comes the 2010 Winter Olympics.

Sure, the athletes themselves are all about communal sweat and fair play, mostly, but The Games continue to be a commercial and political platform for the powers that be.

But that’s beside the point, because I live in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, this year’s Olympic venue.

Despite what Canadians think, Vancouver is not a large city. It is like a tiny pretend city. Vancouver is, in fact, many cities in TV and films. This is a movie town. Vancouver is New York City, Chicago, Los Angeles, Baltimore, Washington D.C., and even Superman’s Metropolis. Thanks to the “Stargate” franchise alone, Vancouver is a thousand cities on a hundred planets…

Still, I can ride my bike from one end to the other in 15 minutes.

But NOT between February 12 and March 21, 2010. Nope, I won’t even be able to park in front of my own house during the Olympics. I hereby give you my list of reasons why I will leave Vancouver during the 2010 Olympics:

• The Traffic nightmare. All the main roads will be closed to Olympic travel only, and the locals are being asked to stay off the roads.
• Stores closing. The city has asked – and in many cases forced – local businesses to shut down in order to reduce city congestion.
• Restaurants unavailable. While most restaurants will remain open, many are already fully booked by Olympic visitors. Locals will be shut out.
• No deliveries. Delivery services will be shut down to alleviate traffic and starve the locals.
• No parking. The city has asked residents to keep our cars off the street so our “guests” can park in our spots instead of us. Where do we put our cars? Well…
• The city has asked residents to leave. It’s true. Vancouver has asked residents to leave town so we won’t be “in the way.”
• No escape! Even driving south across the the US border will be a nightmare as paranoid border guards go overboard looking for terrorists.
• Demonstrations. Protesters will gravitate to the TV cameras like flies to garbage.
• Whitewashing. Our hookers, druggies and homeless will be hidden away. Apparently, the world will see a fictional version of Vancouver on TV.
• Price gouging. Whatever commerce remains viable will cost a bloody fortune. Rooms are already being pre-booked at $1,000 a night.
• More than 6,700 athletes and officials, more than 10,000 news media personnel, and more than one million spectators will clog our tiny town. There goes the neighborhood.
• The mascots. Ridiculous.
• The grim mood. Already they’re running “Olympic Dream” radio ads enacting fake – and probably unfulfillable – Canadian Gold Medal moments. I truly believe this is foreshadowing a constant drone of local apologists claiming how Canadian Gold was somehow “stolen” (by better athletes).
• The garbage! Does anybody remember what Woodstock looked like the day after all the hippies went home?
• My 1-year contract with SnarlyBoodle.com is up in February, and I don’t have to be here.

O.C. DeeDee

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