Scott Pakin’s Automatic Complaint-Letter Generator is a hoot, a must-use for anyone who needs to let off a little steam but who may be too busy to do it him/herself. Or too lazy. Or too stupid.

Whatever.

The premise is as simple as the execution. Go to Scott Pakin’s Automatic Complaint-Letter Generator, identify the person or business you want to complain about, choose how many paragraphs the rant should be, and then click “Complain.”

We tried this a few times and each time a different gripe came out. The complaints are intelligent – albeit totally uninformed – arguments against your targets. The results are for your eyes only… at first. If you like the gripe and want to use it, you’re on your own. Don’t blame Scott Pakin.

Here’s a sample Complaint we generated against our own website:

My complaint about SnarlyBoodle.com

What I have to say will probably provoke a response from SnarlyBoodle.com. It may label me “gormless” or even “asinine”. I realize and accept that as a consequence of what I am about to say. However, I do hope that SnarlyBoodle.com will read everything I have to say before labeling me. Note that some of the facts I plan to use in this letter were provided to me by a highly educated person who managed to escape SnarlyBoodle.com’s birdbrained indoctrination and is consequently believable.

Most of the things SnarlyBoodle.com has written would be complimented by being called merely “mind-numbing bureaucratese”. I’ll probably devote a separate letter to that topic alone, but for now, I’ll simply summarize by stating that SnarlyBoodle.com has declared that it’s staging a revolt against everyone who dares to take the initiative to put to rest the animosities that have kept various groups of people from enjoying anything other than superficial unity. SnarlyBoodle.com is revolting all right; the very sight of it turns my stomach. All kidding aside, from secret-handshake societies meeting at “the usual place” to back-door admissions committees, its helpers have always found a way to exhibit a deep disdain for all people who are not possession-obsessed xenophobic-types. As a dying tree drops its leaves and is attacked by fungus and worms of decay, so too is a nation set upon by SnarlyBoodle.com. SnarlyBoodle.com’s idiotic claim that it was chosen by God as the trustee of His wishes and desires is just that, an idiotic claim. What’s the best way to place blame where it belongs—in the hands of SnarlyBoodle.com and its predatory foot soldiers? That’s actually a tough nut to crack. The answer is related the way that there is a proper place in life for hatred. Hatred of that which is wrong is a powerful and valuable tool. But when SnarlyBoodle.com perverts hatred in order to deplete the ozone layer, it becomes clear that I have no idea why it makes such a big fuss over plagiarism. There are far more pressing issues that present themselves and that should be discussed, debated, and solved—issues such as war, famine, poverty, and homelessness. There is also the lesser issue that knowledge and wisdom are SnarlyBoodle.com’s enemies. It understands that by limiting education and enlightenment, it can fool more people into believing that it is the way, the truth, and the light. Sadly, those with the least education are those who would benefit most from the knowledge that SnarlyBoodle.com has been doing “in-depth research” (whatever it thinks that means) to prove that cultural tradition has never contributed a single thing to the advancement of knowledge or understanding. I should mention that I’ve been doing some research of my own. So far, I’ve “discovered” that SnarlyBoodle.com denies ever having tried to promote out-of-touch ideologies such as factionalism. I assume it’s merely trying to cover its posterior, as the truth is that giving SnarlyBoodle.com the means to convince devious, shambolic airheads that there is absolutely nothing they can do to better their lot in life besides joining it is like supplying the gun to your own robber. I’ll go further: I feel that writing this letter is like celestial navigation. Before directional instruments were invented, sailors navigated the seas by fixing their compass on the North Star. However, if SnarlyBoodle.com were to trick them into fixing their compass on the wrong star they’d soon be so off-course that they’d actually be willing to help it evade responsibility.

We must work together to work together in an atmosphere of friendship and hope. What can you do to help? For starters, you might want to rise to the challenge of thwarting SnarlyBoodle.com’s incoherent, blockish plans. I personally derive great satisfaction in doing that sort of thing because I shall not argue that SnarlyBoodle.com’s newsgroup postings are an authentic map of its plan to defy the rules of logic. Read them and see for yourself. SnarlyBoodle.com has so frequently lied about how the only way to expand one’s mind is with drugs—or maybe even chocolate—that some weaker-minded people are starting to believe it. We need to explain to such people that if SnarlyBoodle.com continues to fleece us, crime will escalate as schools deteriorate, corruption increases, and quality of life plummets. Because of SnarlyBoodle.com’s obsession with classism, it says that all any child needs is a big dose of television every day. Wow! Isn’t that like hiding the stolen goods in the closet and, when the cops come in, standing in front of the closet door and exclaiming, “They’re not in here!”? From the very beginning, what I call sanguinary extremists have labored to recruit into their ranks the sons and daughters of the powerful, famous, and rich. Do give that some thought.

A pure, unadulterated hoot. Try them out!

admin

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