Medicine and technology are wonderful, which in part accounts for the popularity of Star Trek for over 40 years. But in real life, medicine and technology don’t quite measure up to TV and movie standards.

First, a personal disclaimer. Due to genetic predisposition, I have never needed corrective eye wear. Neither has my dimwitted brother Razoo, nor any of our forebears. Ma Kelley wore all these weird horned rim glasses, sure, but she always poked the glass out first. A slave to ocular fashion.

But if I wore glasses or contacts or even went around seeing a fuzzy version of the world because I was too vain to worry about my health and well-being, I would certainly avoid the many forms of laser eye surgery being offered today.

One reason is the simple fact that I’m not willing to have my eyes sliced and diced and burned. By using the word “laser” and its variants, these surgeons are misleading people into believing that they don’t use steel blades to slice open your cornea. They do.

Secondly, why do they insist on working on both your eyes at the same time? Odds are if they botch one eye, they’ll botch both in the same session. Let them prove themselves with one eye, and if you skirt any “complications,” then put your other eye at risk.

Thirdly, there are risks. Even the most proficient, most honest laser surgeons will admit – in the finest print possible – that there is a “small” chance that you could have one or more of the following “side effects”:

sensitivity to light
dry eyes
red eyes
itchy eyes
blurred vision
crusty residue
halos
glare
starbursts
loss of contrast
regression
blindness

These side effects can last for days, months, or forever. Industry-wide, the chances are very small (under 5%) that you’ll draw the bad card on any of these setbacks, but some practices have failure rates of 35% or more. By the way, a recent study showed that correction to 20/20 eyesight is only achieved in 55.3% of LASIK surgeries.

Four: Ignore those “Throw away your glasses!” claims. Half those side effects could require glasses as a fix. Regression could mean that you’ll need your same old glasses again. Plus, the fine print dances around the fact that everyone’s eyes weaken with age and that reading glasses are inevitable. Unless the surgery blinds you.

Finally, the credentials of more and more laser eye surgeons are being reasonably challenged and exposed as bogus. Don’t believe an eye surgeon or his colleagues; of course they’ll claim legitimacy. Do your homework. The truly accredited doctors won’t have a litany of complaints filed against them (check with the Better Business Bureau and the local medical board), and their educational institutions will be more than happy to verify if they actually took and passed their courses.

Maybe you’re not even a suitable candidate for eye surgery. Some people aren’t, and some doctors have been successfully sued for millions of dollars for talking bad candidates into failed surgeries.

Bottom line: I’d hold off on surgery until they perfect Geordi LaForge’s visor.

Scrud Kelley

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