I went to bed one night having just read the latest about the alleged fourth mistress of Tiger Woods. The next morning, the media was hammering the alleged sixth mistress down our throats.

Come on guys! Let’s pace it a bit better than that. Number Five’s fifteen minutes of infamy was ripped away from her because of the media’s premature articulation. This is no way to tell a story. You need a reveal, a reaction, renewed public opinion polls, late night comedy routines, a FOX News circus act, a CNN over-analysis, and then up the ante with a new reveal.

Trust me. Your job is to create advertising revenue for your bosses and the industry. If you don’t pace the story properly, you could be squandering a fortune.

And that’s all this is, a story. Cheating husbands are a farthing a million. Cheating sports stars are at least a buck fifty per dozen. Cheating sports legends are where the piles of money are.

The days are long gone when a cheating bible-thumper or family-values-touting Republican would shock us. The carnal re-shuffling in Hollywood is just a relentless dirty joke. None of these pathetic losers can even raise eyebrows anymore.

But a young, good-looking sports hero, husband and father, product endorser extraordinaire? Well, stop the presses! And then roll them at double time! This is actually a story worth milking. And it will be a while before we’re finished. When Tiger Woods plays a round, it’s usually 18 holes.

And congrats on the choices of pictures, guys. Of course, Tiger isn’t giving any photo ops recently, but the media has dredged up every sour-puss shot of Tiger from their photo morgues. You know, the missed putt pout, or the migraine onset scowl. Totally out of context, they still work beautifully with the current Tiger’s in the Doghouse stories.

Six-Eye Jackson

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