I sell a lot of cars. One at a time, mind you, so I don’t have to deal with dealer paperwork. Or overhead. And I don’t pull anything shadier than a legitimate used car dealer pulls, I swear. I’m honest about what options came with the original package, although I might fail to mention if they continue to work. Liberal doses of Lysol mask the dead body in the truck smell, and I know enough about tuning engines to keep the knocks and pings to a minimum until the mark – I mean the customer - pulls into their driveway.

I’ll list the car on the Internet with a couple of pictures shot at creative angles to de-emphasize the dents, rust, worn tires, and occasional bullet hole. I ask high, and even rehearse the “okay, you got the better of me” look in the mirror for the moment I accept the lower – yet still profitable – offer.

Not that it’s any of their business, but potential car-buyers always want the back-story. I know they’re looking for hints of CSI involvement, natural disaster retreads, lemons, or any particular auto-abuse that would serve as a reason to back out of the deal. So instead of telling them the boring truth that I’m just flipping old cars for a quick buck, I give them a good story that might hook-and-reel them in. You know, something like “This is the studio loaner used by Liam Neeson while he shot his last movie.” Neeson’s one of the names who can hook-and-reel men and women both.

So one day I got this email response to an ad with some Joe claiming to be a college student from Germany who’ll be moving to my area in a few weeks and he wants to pay for my car right now so it’ll be ready at the curb when he gets here. No squabbling over the price, no VIN run-down, not even a shred of interest in a back-story. Yeah, I can see what’s coming with one eye tied behind my back. So I play along. Sure, I say, send the cashier’s check.

And lo, the cashier’s check arrives only days later. But lookie here, he overpaid! You could knock me over with a nod and a smile. I file the bogus check with the two dozen or so that I’ve collected over the years. Some are pretty good; embossed on heavy paper, sometimes a touch of foil adhered to give it that un-counterfeitable look, sometimes multi-colored enough to make it look genuinely foreign. Some have nice logos on them. But some are shamefully bogus, typed or jet-printed on butcher paper, smudged and even misspelled.

Of course the guy emails me that he overpaid, and could I please please please send back the tiny $500 overpayment by Western Union right away before he’s kicked out of his apartment and his mother is deported. The more I say no, the more desperate his story gets. Really desperate, because any minute his bogus check is gonna bounce higher than Britney Spears’ hemline.

Meanwhile, if I had actually deposited the check in my bank account, I may have spent some of this sham credit before the check inevitably rebounded and I’d be on the hook for everything I spent. Don’t fall for this, my friends.

And Western Union should be ashamed! They allow these scams to continue unchecked, making it easy for anybody at any branch to pick up such ill gotten gains with no more than the bogus name they gave their mark.

Scrud Kelley
Scam Editor

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