I got a new kitten – the cutest little torbie polydactyl manx – last year and had the daunting task of naming her. Daunting? Well, yes. I never had a kid of my own, so I don’t have a knee-jerk reaction to come up with something that would incur the taunts of every schoolyard bully for the next 18 years. That’s the general rule, isn’t it?

Of course it’s not that simple with your own children, is it? You could choose to be downright lazy about it, instead. Ever since I moved to Canada, I swear that every third man I meet over the age of 30 is named Gordon. I found this weird, since I never knew a single Gordon in the US. So I asked around and found out that the biggest star in Canadian hockey for most of the 20th century (a 1946 rookie who played his last game in 1997) was Gordie Howe. So… naming your kid Gord was going to make him a sports superstar as well?

Many people also name their kids after popular stars (or characters) of movies, TV, and music. But although I run in to the occasional Elvis, I somewhat doubt there are any young 50 Cents or will.i.ams out there. Yet.

Parents usually have more imagination. Okay, not always, which could explain every Tom Jr, Dick Sr. and Harry IV out there. Although that may be as much about Dad’s ego as his lack of imagination. Or laziness.

Fad is another naming factor, explaining classrooms with three girls named Tiffany, four named Heather, five named Amber and the rest named Ashley. Just be big enough to take the blame when your kid comes home crying that her school nickname is Fat Tiffany or Bucktooth Amber because the other kids need to be able to tell the name-clones apart.

Speaking of name-clones, both my sisters were named Mary. I think this was some sort of weird Catholic thing. The bible is a huge source of names (mostly male), although I don’t know why we gravitated away from Old Testament Mordecai, Caleb and Enoch in favor of New Testament John, James and Peter. Notable exceptions: Judas and Jesus. I can understand not naming your kid after the villain (same category as Adolph and, recently, George), but why not go the Hispanic route and pay tribute to the ultimate biblical hero?

I once knew an optometrist named I.C. Creary. You can only blame his parents for the original whimsy, but Dr. Creary himself has to take the blame for the career choice. Or maybe his only escape from ridicule was to embrace it.

All those born in the 60’s and who have names like Sky, Flower, Love, God, River, Chastity, Moon Unit and Dweezil are exempt from ridicule. Your parents either were on drugs, or was Frank Zappa.

I’m expecting to read a birth announcement any day now welcoming into this world little TextTiller211 or little facebaby23. Internet noms de plume simply MUST have their day.

My suggestion to all prospective parents would be to wait until you get to know your kids better before you brand them for life. Learn their habits, note their looks, and then name them accordingly. Our kitten turned out to love sitting on our shoulder like a parrot, plus she’s a polydactyl (she has thumbs!), so we named her Polly McDactyl.

Jim Lawter

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