Okay, listen up you pimply little cellar dwarfs. You think you’re so smart living rent-free in your Mommy’s basement writing your little computer viruses and worms? Well, creating a trojan is as close as you’ll ever come to actually using something called a Trojan.

And you’re not so smart. You’re just doing the same ol’ same ol’ – rewriting registry files, copying email address books, changing GIFs to useless DLL files, etc. Old tricks for talentless puppies.

If you have real skill, if you can think outside the box for a few seconds, then take up this challenge: Destroy All Monsters.

You heard me. You like the kitschy old monster movie titles, right? Well take on the name Gamera2K or NeoGodzilla and start wreaking havoc where no virus-writing twerp has dared to tread before. Eradicate all spam, all viruses, all worms, all trojans.

Can’t do it? I knew you were impotent. You see yourself as a free thinking cyber terrorist working for a greater anarchist ideal, but you’re nothing more than a self-deluded code copier who wouldn’t know what to say to a girl if she so much as glanced your way. What losers, each and every one of you.

You have a germ of talent, and more technical resources in your closet under your stack of Penthouses and Byte Magazines than all the history of Mankind has had before you. Yet day after day you cower away from fame and fortune and make your living frying potatoes and mopping toilets for some burger-hawking McClown. What a waste.

If any single one of you keyboard monkeys develops a spine (hey, evolution happens, right?), you better hurry. Whoever wrote this Conflicker worm may have a jump on you. The experts are quaking in their government grants as the rest of us blithely sit back and wait for the viral punch line. Is it a global Windows meltdown designed by a Mac enthusiast proving a point? Is it the Chinese acquiring all of our secrets? Is it the Russians messing with our power grid? Is it telemarketers profiling us as never before?

I’m hoping it’s one of you dweebs finally doing something creative and good with your little programming tricks. Search and destroy spam. Make the worms squirm and the viruses vanish. Do that and I’ll personally buy you a milkshake.

Or aren’t you smart enough?

Jim Lawter

• The This-Virus-Warning-Is-For-Real Scam Dear God what is wrong with you people!!!? Stop forwarding these bogus "the sky is falling" virus warning emails. Seriously, you're not helping things by sending obviously bogus messages to...
• There's Gotta be More to Life I recently made a comment to Burt Stark, curator of the celebrated ToiletMuseum.com, that I was tired of not being rich.  He sagely pointed out something to the effect that...
• If You Can't Beat 'Em, Trick 'Em I've known quite a few bar tricksters in my day. You know, the guys (rarely gals, for some odd reason) who can make a cigarette dance on the table or...

• 10 Steps to Start a Blog Is this your first time starting a blog? Here is a ten step checklist for starting your own blog. 1 - Choose a subject - Determine what it is that...
• Take care of your teeth AND your wallet Dental expenses can be pretty minimal for years. A cleaning here, a filling there. Then, if you get hit with a crown and/or a root canal, it can run over...
• Free Antivirus Recommendations (Protect Yourself Online With Free AntiVirus Software). I got tired of shelling out $40+ a year for antivirus protection long ago. Aside form the price, what really bugged me was the bloat! It became more and more...