Far be it for me to criticize obsessive-compulsive behavior, being a devout OCD practitioner myself, but enough is enough with these trumped-up race / gender / age / species / whatever accomplishment proclamations.

A recent example of this form of backhanded compliment is the constant citing that the US elected their first African American President (Barack Hussein Obama II – as in “the second,” ironically). Okay, Firsts are notable. But they can be sometimes ludicrous, as in “the first female Lithuanian paraplegic under 30 to score over 250 in a US Bowling Congress-sanctioned tournament. In April.”

But some of my OCD brethren are hell-bent to compound the statistical segregation by continuing to count. There must be a limit, because I don’t recall ever hearing so-and-so has become the 723rd African American to play in Major League Baseball.

So when do we give it a rest? I would think that everybody who didn’t come in first should just be content to have joined the growing ranks. I would think that true parity had been realized only when such counting stops. To continue the African American quasi-accolade theme (but avoiding gender and age sub-categories), let’s list some folks who will forever live in the giant shadows of their immediate predecessors. Seconds, anyone?

Charles Cooper became the second African-American to play in the NBA – one night after the first! I hope he fired his agent.

Clarence Thomas became the second African American to serve as a U.S. Supreme Court Justice, succeeding the first. As if only one at a time is allowed.

Suzette Charles – literally a runner-up – became the second African American Miss America when the first African American Miss America was forced to return the sash.

Henry Blair was the second African American inventor issued a patent by the US Patent Office.

Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson is the second highest-earning African-American entertainer. I wonder if he’d do better if he changed his name to “1 Dollar.”

Condoleezza Rice was second African American to hold the office of U.S. National Security Adviser, as well as second African American Secretary of State – both times succeeding the first African American to hold each office. Playing follow-the-leader?

Duke Ellington has just become the second African American to appear on a US coin intended for everyday use (a quarter).

Carter G. Woodson was the second African American to complete a Ph.D. at Harvard University, but…

Dudley Weldon Woodard was the second African American in the entire nation to receive a Ph.D. Woodard beats Woodson in a tie.

John Edgar Wideman was the second African American to win a Rhodes Scholarship.

Cullen Jones, the second African American to ever swim on the US Olympic swim team, was also the second African American swimmer to win a gold medal at the Olympics. Two twos for two.

Archibald Motley was the second African American artist to have a solo exhibition in New York City.

Deval Patrick recently became the second African American elected Governor of a State (Massachusetts).

Daniel Murray was the second African American to hold a professional position in the Library of Congress. Where do I get these statistics?

Guion Bluford was the second African American astronaut, and Ronald McNair was the second African American astronaut to orbit the Earth. The latter followed the former into space, but the former followed an Earth-bound astronaut.

James Clyburn is the second African American Majority Whip in the House of Representatives. When I grow up, I want to be a Whip, too.

Rita Dove was the second African American to receive the Pulitzer Prize for poetry.

Larry Doby, the second African American to play major league baseball (as a second baseman, no less), was also the second African American to manage a major league baseball team.

Rosa Parks was the second African-American to be honored by lying in state in the rotunda of the U.S. Capitol building.

William Thaddeus Coleman, Jr. was the second African-American to serve in a U.S. Cabinet post.

Robert Holmes was the second African American to be appointed to the NYPD.

Yada yada yada. Who cares but the immediate families? Point is: stop counting. After the balloon is popped, the party’s over. By the way, these are American stats. I wonder if other “enlightened” societies still treat African Americans as statistical anomalies.

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