I’ve seen these around for a while now before I figured out what they really were. Dog owners would be walking to and fro with these colorful sticks in their hand as their dog frolicked in the vicinity. I always thought it was some sort of pooper scooper device.

But no. This week I saw a dog owner actually raise his arm and flick this plastic device, causing a tennis ball to barely arc over his dog’s head in an anemic form of “fetch.” The dog retrieved the ball and dutifully dropped it at its master’s feet.

The lazy bastard barely leaned over to re-seat the tennis ball into the end of the ball launcher.

What is the world coming to? Are you that out of shape that you can’t even muster the strength to personally toss a ball for your dog? Are you that lazy that you can’t even lean over to pick up the ball – perhaps even pet your dog for its successful retrieval? Are you that detached from your own pet that you’re afraid to get a little dog slobber on your hands?

Why do you have a dog, anyway? You only play with it at a stick’s length. You won’t touch it or its toys. You’re forced to take it outside because dogs don’t have the innate sanitary sense to use a litter box. Let me guess: you’re equally detached from your kids’ lives, too.

Using this Lazy Stick will take years off your life, alienate your dog, and contribute to the downfall of Human Civilization.

Available in red or blue.